I was in fact thrilled to find out that women apparently are less happy today than they were forty years ago – thrilled I tell you. Because that means that women are not complacent like they had once been. Women want to be full humans, and can see the million ways in which they are not.
Today, I will discuss one of them: Kiddushin. There is no question that Kiddushin is not egalitarian. The ceremony is about ownership – it is the definition of less than human, less than free, less than a man.
Attempts to create prenuptial agreements that will decrees the likelihood that at divorce the man will try to extort his wife in exchange for granting her a “get” – (Jewish divorce) is absolutely besides the point. Kiddushin is not about divorce, it is about marriage. Kiddushin is about the structuring of relationships. And the structure it purports is one of patriarchal marriage – in exchange for protection, both physical and otherwise, the woman gives herself to a man. Patriarchal marriage does not protect women; it is what women need protection from.
Kiddushin is not “just” a ritual – ritual is an enactment of our values. Women continue to take their husband’s name, or even if they do not, they give that name to their children – this, by definition, is patriarchy. The “ritual” of taking the husband’s name is secular kiddushin. Kiddushin is not an isolated, archaic religious hokus-pokus; Kiddushin is how men and women are currently relating to each other. Kidushin is what we call love.
I do not believe in love – because love is ownership. I believe in knowing, being, doing, building, fucking: together – kiddushin / love is none of these things, Love is about siphoning the fullness of women’s experience – with a fantasy about being possessed, about being “his.” The last blessing of the seven traditional blessings (sheva brachot) recited at a Jewish wedding bring this point to life. The blessing ends with the following “Blessed are You Who causes the groom to rejoice with his bride.” Notice that it could have said “who causes the groom and the bride to rejoice.” But no, the bride she is not the one who is rejoicing, it is the groom, who is rejoicing with “his” bride. The joy is his not hers – no wonder women are less happy then men. She is a vehicle threw which he rejoices – she is not a person.
SO, if you must do Kiddushin, the next best thing is to invalidate your Kiddushin: Two simple ways do it.
1. Make sure the dude does not own the ring
2. Choose witnesses for Kiddushin who are either not Jewish or not religious.
Actually, the last bracha says in Hebrew “who rejoices groom with the bride” NOT “his bride.” I think that the sheva brachot are actually strikingly egalitarian and beautiful, and are a celebration of sexuality, not ownership.
BS”D
Very interesting how this seems to be microscoped out of context.
Pshat in the Torah FROM:”Woman = Jewish”, “Man = Tribe”.
i.e. If a Man is a Levi then his sons are Leviim if the mother is Jewish. If a mother is Jewish and the Father is not the Child is still Jewish yet can not carry the Tribal line.
The reason these points fit here at least looking from a Chzeh B’Tshuva perspective is that well.. Its like your missing the point.
Women hold the power = Shabbat Candles, Chalah and Niddah.
Without a light burning the man has no becan at the table for Kiddush. Without Challah one has no Seder for Shabbat. Without Mikveh the couple has no union. Hashem gave the women powers that men dont have ; yet for some reason the “”covering or tsniut”" is being taken like a burden or lowing of status. Hashem tells us thru Chazal that a man of Humbleness is to be looked to for guidance and respect. (Look to the Chasid named REB ZUSHE the brother of the Maggid of Metzritch) How much more so does that shine on a women. The story of Esther, Ruth, Sarah HUMBLE HUMBLE HUMBLE… Giving Kavod to the men Thru the guidance of their husband. In Jewdeism the woman is called the home NOT THE MAN. And the women is in charge of the most influential years for guiding the children. WHY must women see or feel these roles with such ANTI that as you say, “find a NON-Jew to witness?” Very strange. Looking to the ideal philisophical world ok I get it But Torah Jews.. hmm. When talking about BEING JEWISH and refering to Torah and if speaking of the ever constant presence of Hashem in the world…. Different Translation is like sayin “Well it looks like the Pig chews the cud so eat it(Please no!) Yet for Thousands of years and sourcing the Torah it sais NOT to eat it. New versions of Jewdeism( Not refering to Garments, Siddur order or even beard and not beard(Sheitel, Tichel, Fall or hat) ) can be dangerous for the generations realy making an effort to connect with the source that Moshe brought us on Har Sinai. THIS IS NOT blind faith, we were there together, about 3,000,000 souls sharring in Hashems light. The Women chose not to build the calf just like the Leviim. Remember the Women Do connect, yet sometimes the identity of that connection can throw all of us off. Thank you for sharring.
A Gut Shabbus,
Yehoshua